#!/usr/bin/perl
# Talk like a spammer. Copyright 2002 by Joey Hess <joeyh@debian.org>
# Licensed under the GPL.
#
# Doesn't always generate proper engrish, but then neither do
# spammers.
 
sub c {
	return $_[rand @_];
}

sub line_of_yelling {
	my @lines=split(/\n/, shift);
	my $n=rand @lines;
	$lines[$n] = uc($lines[$n]);
	return join("\n", @lines);
}

sub for_free {
	return c(qw(100% completely totally absolutely))." ".c(qw(f F))."ree";
}

my $hits=0;

if (rand > 0.75) {
	$hits++;
	$spam .= "Dear Friend, ";
}
elsif (rand > 0.9) {
	$hits++;
	$spam .= "Below is the result of your feedback form".c(qw{: . ..})."\n";
}
elsif (rand > 0.75) {
	$hits++;
	$spam .= "This message is not spam!\n";
}

while (<>) {
	# Try to trigger spam trappers. Keep count of the number of unique
	# ones triggered.
	@results = (
		s/^(Subject:\s+.*)/$1. ' ' x (rand(20) + 40) . rand(1000000)/eig,
		s/free\b/for_free()/eig,
		s/(email|message|e-mail|mail)\b/$1 (sent in compliance with regulations)/i,
		s/(join|register|order|apply)/$1 today/ig,
		s/money/big bucks/i,
		s/check\b/check or money order/i,
		s/(amazing|atonishing|neat|interesting)/AMAZING/ig,
		s/guarantee\b/GUARANTEE/ig,
		s/(profits|money)/PROFITS/ig,
		s/(no questions asked|quiet|confidential|secret)\b/NO QUESTIONS ASKED/ig,
		s/refund\b/full refund/i,
		s/free\b/FREE/ig,
		s/\b(full|complete|fully)\b/100% GUARANTEED/ig,
		s/(spam|UCE)\b/c(qw(bulk direct mass))." email"/eig,
		s/spammer/businessman/ig,
		s/(call|phone|contact)\b/CALL NOW/ig,
		s/business\b/online business/ig,
		s/online\b/online business opportunities/ig,
		s/number\b/social security number/ig,
		s/addresses\b/addresses on cd/ig,
		s/cdrom\b/addresses on cd/ig,
		s/click\b/click here/ig,
		s/viagra/c('VIAGRA', 'natural viagra', 'herbal viagra')/eig,
		s/\btraffic\b/rand > 0.6 ? 'more web traffic' : 'traffic'/eig,
		s/targeted/targeted traffic/ig,
		s/limited/LIMITED TIME OFFER/ig,
		s/buy\b/buy direct/ig,
		s/profit\b/PURE PROFIT/ig,
		s/opportunity/once in a lifetime opportunity/ig,
		s/stock\b/STOCK PICK/ig,
		s/access\b/INSTANT ACCESS/ig,
		s/(diploma|credential)s?/college diploma$a/ig,
		s/(penis|breast)/larger $1/ig,
		s/\b(work|job)\b/home employment/ig,
		s/experience\b/no experience needed!/ig,
		s/printer\b/printer (toner cartridge)/ig,
		s/(income|money|savings?)\b/you income/ig,
		s/(amazing|amazed|atonished|interesting)/be amazed/ig,
		s/(\$\d+\.?\d*)/for only $1!/ig,
		s/natural/completly natural/ig,
		s/obligation/no obligation/ig,
		s/vacation\b/c(qw(dream special free))." vacation"/eig,
		s/sign up\b/sign up today/ig,
		s/cell (phone)?\b/free cell phone/ig,
		s/(offer|trial|membership|website|quote|installation|sample|dvd|preview|leads)\b/free $1/ig,
		s/\bvalue/outstanding value/ig,
		s/shipping/shopping spree/ig,
		s/winning/WINNING/ig,
		s/winner\b/WINNER/ig,
		s/promotion\b/special promotion/ig,
		s/password\b/free password/ig,
		s/\bcash\b/extra cash/ig,
		s/cancel\b/cancel at any time/ig,
		s/\bearn\b/earn up to/ig,
		s/(movies|pics|photos|videos)/c(qw(hundreds thousands millions tons))." of $1"/eig,
		s/\bporn\b/free porn/ig,
		s/\blegal\b/c(qw(absolutely perfectly totall 100%))." legal"/eig,
		s/(drugs|medications|pharmacy)/online $1/ig,
		s/asset/hidden asset/ig,
		s/\bsave\b/save thousands/ig,
		s/partner/marketing partner/ig,
		s/unlimited/UNLIMITED/ig,
		s/\bprice\b/low price/ig,
		s/galleries\b/huge galleries/ig,
		# Convert phone numbers to 800 numbers.
		s/(?:(?:1-)?[0-9]{3}-)?([0-9]{3}-[0-9]{4})/"1-".c(800,888)."-$1"/eg,
		# de-http:// urls
		s/http:\/\///ig,
	);
	
	# Merge result table into an overall results table that counts each
	# item at most once.
	for ($x=0; $x < $#results; $x++) {
		if ($results[$x]) {
			$overallresults[$x]=1;
		}
	}
	
	# Cute things that don't cause real hits.
	s/\.(com|org|net|edu)\b/".".c(qw(info biz name))/eig;
	s/([Ee])nglish/${1}ngrish/g if rand > 0.66;
	$spam .= $_;
}

$hits += $_ foreach @overallresults;

if (rand > 0.5) {
	# random line breaks make spam look
	# more professional
	# or is it just written in Notepad?
	$spam =~ s/ /rand > 0.95 ? "\n" : " "/eg;
}
elsif (rand > 0.75) {
	# I write my spam in MS WORD!
	$spam =~ s/\n/ /g;
}
else {
	$spam=line_of_yelling($spam);
}

if (rand > 0.8 || $hits < 5) {
	$spam .= "\nThis is a ".c(qw(one 1))." time ".c(qw(email e-mail offer)).c(qw(! .));
	$hits++;
}

if (rand > 0.7 || $hits < 5) {
	$spam .= "\n" . c('-' x 78, '~' x 70, '---', '', '', '', "\n\n\n\n") . "\n" .
	      c('To remove your address from ', 'To be removed from', 'To get off from',
	        'To unsubscribe from', 'To receive no further notices on',
	        'If you did not opt in for', 'To be removed from future mailings to') .
	      " " .
	      c('this mailing list', 'these mails') . " " .
	      c('please ', '') .
	      c('reply', 'send an email', 'write back') . " " .
	      c('with a subject of', 'and put in the subject the word') . " " .
	      c("REMOVE", '"remove"') .
	      c(qw(! . .)) . "\n";
	$hits++;
}

# Desperate to make it look like a spam now, I insert arbitrary
# junk.
while ($hits < 5) {
	if (rand > 0.66) {
		$spam=line_of_yelling($spam);
		$hits++;
	}
	elsif (rand > 0.5) {
		# Insert a spam phrase after the end of a sentence.
		@spam_phrases = ('FREE CONSULATATION', 'INSTANT ACCESS',
			'PURE PROFIT', 'STOCK PICK', 'VIAGRA', 'WINNER',
			'WINNING', 'LIMITED TIME OFFER', 'extra cash',
			'CALL NOW', 'once in a lifetime opportunity',
			'cancel at any time', 'no experience needed',
			'no obligation', 'save millions', 'be amazed',
			for_free());
		$hits += $spam =~ s/\.\s+([A-Z])/". ".ucfirst(c(@spam_phrases)). "! $1"/es;
	}
	elsif (rand > 0.75) {
		# large hexadecimal block
		my @hex = ('A'..'F', 0..9);
		for (1..70 + rand(9)) {
			$spam .= $hex[rand @hex];
		}
		$spam .= "\n";
		$hits++;
	}
	elsif (rand > 0.75) {
		$spam .= c("SSPLTM ", "{%RAND%} ");
		$hits++;
	}
}

$spam =~ s/\n/\r\n/g;
print "$spam\n";