pirate

   1 #!/usr/bin/perl -p
   2
   3 # an array, not a hash. because order is important
   4 @trans_table=(
   5         '\bmy\b' => 'me',
   6         '\bboss\b' => 'admiral',
   7         '\bmanager\b' => 'admiral',
   8         '\b[Cc]aptain\b' => "Cap'n",
   9         '\bmyself\b' => 'meself',
  10         '\byour\b' => 'yer',
  11         '\byou\b' => 'ye',
  12         '\bfriend\b' => 'matey',
  13         '\bfriends\b' => 'maties',
  14         '\bco[-]?worker\b' => 'shipmate',
  15         '\bco[-]?workers\b' => 'shipmates',
  16         '\bearlier\b' => 'afore',
  17         '\bold\b' => 'auld',
  18         '\bthe\b' => "th'",
  19         '\bof\b' =>  "o'",
  20         '\bdon\'t\b' => "dern't",
  21         '\bdo not\b' => "dern't",
  22         '\bnever\b' => "no nay ne'er",
  23         '\bever\b' => "e'er",
  24         '\bover\b' => "o'er",
  25         '\bYes\b' => 'Aye',
  26         '\bNo\b' => 'Nay',
  27         '\bdon\'t know\b' => "dinna",
  28         '\bhadn\'t\b' => "ha'nae",
  29         '\bdidn\'t\b' =>  "di'nae",
  30         '\bwasn\'t\b' => "weren't",
  31         '\bhaven\'t\b' => "ha'nae",
  32         '\bfor\b' => 'fer',
  33         '\bbetween\b' => 'betwixt',
  34         '\baround\b' => "aroun'",
  35         '\bto\b' => "t'",
  36         '\bit\'s\b' => "'tis",
  37         '\bIt\'s\b' => 'It be',
  38         '\bwoman\b' => 'wench',
  39         '\blady\b' => 'wench',
  40         '\bwife\b' => 'lady',
  41         '\bgirl\b' => 'lass',
  42         '\bgirls\b' => 'lassies',
  43         '\bguy\b' => 'lubber',
  44         '\bman\b' => 'lubber',
  45         '\bfellow\b' => 'lubber',
  46         '\bdude\b' => 'lubber',
  47         '\bboy\b' => 'lad',
  48         '\bboys\b' => 'laddies',
  49         '\bchildren\b' => 'minnows',
  50         '\bkids\b' => 'minnows',
  51         '\bhim\b' => 'that scurvey dog',
  52         '\bher\b' => 'that comely wench',
  53         '\bhim\.\b' => 'that drunken sailor',
  54         '\bHe\b' => 'The ornery cuss',
  55         '\bShe\b' => 'The winsome lass',
  56         '\bhe\'s\b' => 'he be',
  57         '\bshe\'s\b' => 'she be',
  58         '\bwas\b' => "were bein'",
  59         '\bHey\b' => 'Avast',
  60         '\bher\.\b' => 'that lovely lass',
  61         '\bfood\b' => 'chow',
  62         '\broad\b' => 'sea',
  63         '\broads\b' => 'seas',
  64         '\bstreet\b' => 'river',
  65         '\bstreets\b' => 'rivers',
  66         '\bhighway\b' => 'ocean',
  67         '\bhighways\b' => 'oceans',
  68         '\bcar\b' => 'boat',
  69         '\bcars\b' => 'boats',
  70         '\btruck\b' => 'schooner',
  71         '\btrucks\b' => 'schooners',
  72         '\bSUV\b' => 'ship',
  73         '\bmachine\b' => 'contraption',
  74         '\bairplane\b' => 'flying machine',
  75         '\bjet\b' => 'flying machine',
  76         '\bdriving\b' => 'sailing',
  77         '\bdrive\b' => 'sail',
  78         '\bwith\b' => "wi'",
  79         '\bam\b' => 'be',
  80         '\bis\b' => 'be',
  81         '\bare\b' => 'be',
  82         '\bwas\b' => 'be',
  83         '\bwere\b' => 'be',
  84         '\bwere\b' => 'be',
  85 );
  86
  87 while (@trans_table) {
  88         $key=shift @trans_table;
  89         $value=shift @trans_table;
  90         s/$key/$value/g;
  91 }
  92
  93 s/ing\b/in'/g;
  94 s/ings\b/in's/g;
  95 s/(\.( |\t|$))/avast($1,3)/eg;
  96 s/([!\?]( \t|$))/avast($1,2)/eg; # Greater chance after exclamation
  97 s/\Br\B/roll()/eg;
  98
  99 sub roll {
 100         return 'r' x (rand(5)+1) if rand > 0.5;
 101         return 'r';
 102 }
 103
 104 sub avast {
 105         my $stub=shift;
 106         my $chance=shift;
 107
 108         my @shouts=(
 109                 ", avast$stub",
 110                 "$stub Ahoy!",
 111                 ", and a bottle of rum!",
 112                 ", by Blackbeard's sword$stub",
 113                 ", by Davy Jones' locker$stub",
 114                 "$stub Walk the plank!",
 115                 "$stub Aarrr!",
 116                 "$stub Yaaarrrrr!",
 117                 ", pass the grog!",
 118                 ", and dinna spare the whip!",
 119                 ", with a chest full of booty$stub",
 120                 ", and a bucket o' chum$stub",
 121                 ", we'll keel-haul ye!",
 122                 "$stub Shiver me timbers!",
 123                 "$stub And hoist the mainsail!",
 124                 "$stub And swab the deck!",
 125                 ", ye scurvey dog$stub",
 126                 "$stub Fire the cannons!",
 127                 ", to be sure$stub",
 128                 ", I'll warrant ye$stub",
 129                 "$stub Arr, me hearty!",
 130         );
 131
 132         if (int rand($chance) == 1) {
 133                 return @shouts[rand @shouts]." ";
 134         }
 135         else {
 136                 return $stub;
 137         }
 138 }